Eric Reads “Twilight”

It would be a slow night tonight, and I was looking forward to seeing Sookie.  I wanted to mount a full campaign to win her interest.  There was something about her that lit a fire in my loins unlike anyone else.  Her blood, for one, smelled like no other human’s blood.  She was also beautiful, a hard worker, a down to Earth, no-nonsense woman.  I liked her.  I liked her very much.  If I didn’t know better I’d have said I was falling in love with her.  I did know, beyond shadow of a doubt, that I wanted to rub my face into those breasts before bending her over my desk and fucking her senseless.  I could, however, control my baser instincts and behave like a gentleman.  Sookie was fine wine that needed to be savored.

I had every intention of sitting at one of Sookie’s tables and enjoy watching her all night.  I got some paperwork together and started to walk out of my office, when something caught my eye.  It was a book.  The cover was black, with two pale hands holding a blood red apple.  It looked like a book that would belong in Fangtasia.  The book was sticking out of Pam’s large Coach purse.  Curiosity got the better of me.  After all, Pam was my child.  I loved her and cared for her and her interests.  I always tried to do right by her, so if she liked something I made it a point of knowing.  This way I could surprise her with a well-deserved, thoughtful gift that she was sure to enjoy.

The book made it into my stack of papers.  I meant to peruse all of them and watch Sookie.  I was multi-tasking.  My table was waiting vacant for me, and beautiful Sookie was happily making her way through the rest of the tables.  She was a great barmaid.  I wished I’d had found her sooner.  I smiled to myself and sat at the table where I usually sat.  Sookie’s delectable scent reached me before she did.

“Good evening, Eric.  Can I get you something?  I’m sorry to interrupt,” she said when she spied the mountain of papers.

“You’re not interrupting.  I’ll have an A-Neg, please,” I said, going for seductive.  I heard her heart pick up the pace, and I knew I’d had an effect on her.

“Be right back,” she said with a wide friendly smile, completely ignoring her own body’s reaction to me.  No matter.  She’d soon be mine.  I was sure of it.

Sookie returned wearing that same pleasant smile and set the blood on the table.  “Just let me know if you need anything else.”

“Sookie, just keep them coming until I tell you to stop,” I said, and paired my smile with a wink.  It was downright endearing the way she seemed to get just a little flustered at my flirting.

“Sure will,” she said, finally finding her words before walking away to tend to the rest of her tables.

I stared at the mountain of papers, and switched my gaze to the book.  I could read it quickly and then work.  I turned the book to read the back cover.  “About three things I was absolutely positive.  First, Edward was a vampire.  Second, there was a part of him – and I didn’t know how potent that part might be – that thirsted for my blood.  And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”  Who knew?  My Pam was a romantic at heart.  My own heart softened towards my child and I turned to the first page.

The Preface was interesting.  A human facing a hunter and giving her life for someone she loved.  Poetic.  I could relate, since I was the hunter.  Why was he taking her life though?  That made no sense.  Was she ugly?  Her description of herself sounded cute.  Bella Swan.  Even her name was cute.  It certainly explained all the “Bellas” I had encountered lately.  Perhaps they thought of me as their Edward.

The more I read the more I realized I was delving too deeply into the life of a petulant, conniving, self-centered teenager.  She’d persuaded her father to give her the money for the groceries, even after the man had bought her a truck.  She kept thinking that everything Edward Cullen did had to do with her.  She even got upset when her father called her mother to relate the news that the child had been in an accident.  The obnoxious little shrew sounded just like Pam.

By the end of Chapter Four, the little minx had turned down three suitors without any regard for any of the boys; she had gotten herself nearly killed by lingering beside her truck on an icy parking lot; almost exposed her would-be lover as a vampire when said vampire saved her life; demanded explanations without ever saying “please;” made rude comments and questioned the intentions of the same vampire… Why was Pam reading this stupid book?

Sookie approached and eyed me curiously.  She was replenishing my True Blood.  “May I ask what you’re reading?” she asked good-naturedly.  The way she asked told me she liked books and had a genuine curiosity to know what my pleasure was.

“It’s Twilight,” I answered, and motioned for her to sit across from me.

She took the seat and smiled.  “I read it.  I wouldn’t have thought it’s your cup of tea.”

“It is not.  I’m finding it rather hard to relate to the teenage drama queen heroine of the book,” I said.

Sookie laughed softly.  “You’re not a girl.”

“I’ll have you know that I’ve lived long enough to understand human nature quite well.  She strikes me as insufferable,” I said, glancing at the book and wondering if it would be worth it to continue.

Sookie smiled again and patted my hand.  Her touch felt hot and electric.  “It will start getting interesting for you around Chapter Eight.”  With that promise, she left.

I was skeptical, but continued reading, cringing at the girl Bella’s stalking tendencies.  Why was she so preoccupied about where the vampire Edward was?  I understood that these vampires could walk in the sun.  It made sense, since the book was geared to younger readers, and there was no way the author would be able to justify nighttime high school classes for youngsters.

Eventually I reached the part that had me almost pulling my hair.  The child had left her friends and went wandering through an unfamiliar city at twilight.  All for a fucking bookstore, and now she would get raped and stabbed and who knew what else.  Sookie saw my distress and gently disentangled my hands out of my hair.  Reading the stupid book was worth it to have Sookie tend to me, but this was getting ridiculous.

Sookie bent a little, to talk in a low voice.  “I’ll take away your book if you can’t control your reactions,” she said, but her tone wasn’t mocking.  It was almost tender.

“She’s about to get raped,” I snarled, looking up, getting a glimpse of Sookie’s gorgeous cleavage.

“I know, but she’ll be fine.  Just keep on reading.  It’s not real,” she said and patted my shoulder before leaving again.

Finally the dim-witted vampire showed up to rescue the inane girl.  You’d think he’d know by now that she was prone to disaster.  He can walk in the sunlight, so why did he take so long to find her?  My brain stopped its rant.  Of course!  Why didn’t I see it sooner?  Saving a damsel in distress was a surefire way to gain the attentions of said damsel.  Why the slick demon… he was doing it to get into her pants.

Oh… he could read minds, just not hers.  Where had I heard that before?  Oh, right!  Sookie could read minds, but not vampire minds.  I wondered if the author knew Sookie.  Had she borrowed Sookie’s story to tell her own.  After all, how many human telepaths were there on Earth?  Except there was one minor problem: Apparently this Edward person lived in a perfect world where others’ thoughts didn’t seem to bother him in the least.  Everyone in high school had chaste thoughts.  Meanwhile, my poor Sookie (mine because she was my employee, I told myself), was constantly assaulted, beaten, battered, raped, all with only the power of the minds she was forced to listen to.

Smug little twerp vampire Edward.  He thought he was so much better than Sookie.

The shock of my evening came when the so called vampire confessed he didn’t drink human blood, but gorged on animal blood.  I stood up so suddenly and hissed so loudly that I scared several customers sitting nearby.  They wanted scary vampire, they got scary vampire.  Sookie was by my side immediately, not scared of me at all.  She looked confused and concerned more than scared.  She put a hand on my shoulder and shushed me quietly.

“What happened?  What’s wrong?” she asked in her sweet voice.

“These vampires drink animal blood,” I hissed quietly into her ear.

She shrugged.  “Yeah, so?”

“Sookie,” I said her name exasperated.  She didn’t seem to understand.  “I wouldn’t be able to suck on your sumptuous neck without making love to you right here on this table.  The whole experience would be extremely pleasurable for me and you.”

“Oh,” she said.  Then finally understanding dawned on her blue-gray eyes.  She looked at me wide-eyed.  “OH!!!  Oh, yuk!”  Sookie scrunched up her pretty face into a look of utter disgust.  “I never realized…” her voice drifted.  “That’s kinda messed up,” she concluded.

“I’ll say,” I mumbled next to her.  I’d suddenly forgotten about the book.  She was so close and her smell was so tempting.

“Um… I gotta get back to my tables,” Sookie said, suddenly nervous about the way I was looking at her.  She was nervous, but not scared.  I thought I’d detected a hint of her arousal.  That would be something to think about.

I returned to the book with a morbid interest.  Bella the harpy dared the vampire to eat, and the man had done so.  I felt like choking at the thought.  I’d eaten before, to keep up appearances, but it was a horrible experience afterwards.  There was no way to expel the food other than to pound on one’s chest relentlessly, or else inserting a long hook-like structure and hope to get it all out.  I’d certainly never done it to get into someone’s pants.  I’d done it to save my existence.

What kind of imbecile would allow himself to be manipulated in such a way?  And then to learn that he put the girl in danger by his inability to say no?  Apparently she smelled to him like a fairy, and was trying his best not to eat her.  He sounded like a masochist to me.  It had its merits in certain kinds of sex, but not any that I wanted to discover.  I loved me too much to be a masochist, and I enjoyed my donors too much to be a sadist.  And what the hell was all this talk about killing the child?!  What the hell was wrong with this vampire?  How old was he?  I figured it out: he was old enough not to kill the donor.  What the fuck?

I kept reading only to find myself rooting for the hunter to kill the insolent Bella, only to find out that these vampires were somehow venomous.  How could they enjoy anything in life?  They were hard as rock, virtually indestructible, venomous, drank the blood of deer and probably fucked the deer too, or the bears, or the owls for all I knew.  Who the hell came up with that shit?

Pam passed by my table and glanced over.  “That is my book,” she said.  There was anger in her tone.

I closed it, stood up and handed it right back to her.  “You are one sick, twisted, puppy.”

Pam smiled.  “I have enjoyed the book so much I’ve read it three times.  They have marble dicks.  Can you believe it?”

“Put that back where I cannot see it or I swear I will destroy it,” I said to her in a low growl.

“Yes, Master,” Pam said with a smirk, and walked away hugging the book close to her.

I looked up, surveying my kingdom of sorts.  Mostly everyone was making use of the dance floor, and even Sookie was shaking that beautiful ass of hers to the music while she worked.  I approached her, took the tray from her, and asked her to dance.


“What are you reading, my darling Bella?” Edward asked, his eyes smoldering in a way that scattered my thoughts before I could answer.

“What’s that?” I asked, needing Edward to repeat the question in his melodious perfect voice.

“What.  Are.  You.  Reading?  What is it with you, Bella?  You never listen to me and I always have to repeat myself,” Edward said, pouting those gorgeous marble lips.  Oh, how I wish he wasn’t poisonous.

“I’m reading a Sookie Stackhouse novel, also known as the Southern Vampire Mysteries.  It’s interesting,” I said, watching as Edward raised an eyebrow.

“How so?” he asked.  We were sitting on my bed across from each other.  He was leaning back against the headboard.  His cool hard body making my bed shriek under the weight.  One of these days the second floor would give.  How much does a man made of marble weigh?  Probably several hundred pounds, I guessed.

“These vampires are more… standard, I guess is the word.  They sleep during the day, are up at night, they can be killed by stakes, are allergic to garlic and silver, and…” I stopped talking.  What had drawn me to the books was something else entirely.  These vampires were sex demons.  Why couldn’t I get a sex demon too?  Here I was, stuck with marble-dick who was too scared to touch me because he didn’t seem capable of moderating his strength.

“And what?” Edward pressed, sitting up and reaching for my book.

I sighed.  “And they’re everything a girl could want.”

I watched him reading starting with the page I’d had open.  The heroine, Sookie Stackhouse, was bathing her vampire lover in the shower.  The next pages were full of raw passionate sex, the kind I knew I was never going to have unless (or until) Edward changed me.  Edward’s eyes widened as he continued reading, and I noticed his pants straining over a growing something or other.  With mine and his head full of hot vampire sex, I reached for the zipper on his pants and waited a modicum of time until it all faded to black.



13 thoughts on “Eric Reads “Twilight”

  1. Oh my! This was hilarious. Woke my poor hubby up reading it because I couldn’t stop giggling. He thinks I’m losing it lol. Will never be able to take Twilight seriously ever again lol. Brilliant!

  2. Jesus Christ, you murdered me! Marble dicks! Oh, my God! I am impressed Eric made is so far into the first book. Can’t imagine what his reaction would be if he ever read what happened at the wedding night. And Pam – Pam! I think she was reading out of perverse enjoyment. And of course, poor dear… marble dicks, venomous teeth, sparkling bodies, and yellow eyes, brr…. Yeah, the dear deserved mentioning.
    Thanks, great laughs, my belly hurts, and I will never be able to think about Twilight the same way ever again.

    • You know how I live near DC… and DC has this highway called the Beltway, which is just an interstate that goes around in a circle, with DC in the middle of it. So… I was driving in stop-and-go traffic on the Beltway, kinda happy because I’d reached 1,000 reviews on “Alive After Dark” and wanted to come up with a side story. This is the story that hit me while driving on the Beltway. I had a lot of free brain time on the Beltway… 🙂

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