Days of Our True Blood: Season 5, Episode 1

Ya know… The episode was titled “Turn! Turn! Turn!” after the song, the lyrics of which were taken from the Bible (“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven,” Ecclesiastes 3:1).  Yet, all that was passing through my head at the end of the episode was the song Disappointment by The Cranberries (“What a piteous thing, a hideous thing, was tainted by the rest”).  I don’t even know where to begin, but I’ll give it the good ol’ college try nevertheless.

I’m going to guess that everything that happened in this episode happened for a reason, as the lyrics to the chosen song will attest.  Of course, for the life of me I can’t figure out what the reasons could possibly be.  Maybe… comic relief!  I did start out laughing my ass off watching Eric clean Bill’s office, bucket in hand, going at super vampire speed (I wonder if he does windows too), while shortly thereafter Pam is talked into turning Tara, the one person she hates more than Sookie, into her vampire child.  We’ve sort of known that Pam’s first attempt was a bust, but she’ll try it out on Tara because Sookie will “owe her one.”  How will Pam collect?  What will Pam collect?  Obviously, there’s a reason Pam decided that turning Tara would be a swell idea.  At the very least she has power over Tara.  My only disappointment is that Tara didn’t turn into a zombie like I wanted her to.  Darn it!

Back to Eric and Bill and that whole mess with the Authority… We knew that Nora was Eric’s sister and that she worked for the Authority, we knew he was going to share a steamy kiss with her when she came along to save him, the sex scene caught me by surprise there, but I’ve been deprived (for pregnancy-related reasons) so maybe sex scenes in general make me hotter than usual… Okaaaay… Anyway, they made Bill! roll his eyes.  Bill, who is now best chums with Eric.  When did this happen, exactly?  Was I there?  Did I miss something?  I’m sure I did.  I was left aghast when Eric went all Brokeback Mountain on Bill: “I can’t quit you!”  All right, not exactly the same dialogue, but the same sentiment.  The reason?  Oh, I dunno… they’re going to have to depend on each other now that they’ve all (including Nora, who’s now a traitor) been captured by the Authority.  Second comic relief of the night: Ike Applebaum… I-K-E-A-pplebaum.  Subtle.  Maybe the guy’s Swedish or something *eye roll* The best part?  Deborah Ann Woll tweeted that she’d start a petition to refer to Eric as Ike Applebaum for the rest of the season.  I’m signing it as soon as it’s up!

I found myself looking forward to the Sookie/Lafayette scenes, and to see the whole entire scene in which Lafayette tells Alcide to fuck off.  I’m glad that someone is standing up for Sookie, particularly when she was about to fold so easily and tell Alcide everything!  What was she thinking?  I understand the reason, though: she, like Lafayette, are going through some major grief.  Lafayette’s judgment seems to be intact, but Sookie’s has always been a little off to begin with.  And, besides, of course she’s already falling for Alcide.  She broke up with both loves of her life a WHOLE DAY AGO!  It’s time for her to move on.  Who better with than another murderer like her?  I say, go for it girl!

So…um, I sorta don’t wanna touch on the following with a ten-foot pole:

  • Steve Newlin being a gay Vampire-American, mostly because I thought vampires were pretty flexible with their sexuality so, who really cares?
  • Jessica having a frat party in the king’s house and Jason showing up and joining in, because that seems like it would be par for the course for two someones who 1) was a teenager when she was turned; and 2) is the epitome of a frat boy, even though he’s supposed to be a grown man.
  • Marcus’ mother eating his intestines.  That’s just EWWWW!!!!  Oh, and threatening Sam by telling him she would kill her own granddaughter (even if we didn’t know it at the time).
  • The whole Terry/Patrick thing, because it seems they’re trying to build up to something and I just don’t see what exactly.  The whole thing reminds me of the movie Courage Under Fire with a supernatural twist.  There’s just nothing new under the sun, is there?

As y’all can see I had some time and was able to put this bitch-fest together.  Feel free to add or give your own take on the episode.  I’d love to read what you guys thought of it.  Were you disappointed like me or pleasantly surprised?


12 thoughts on “Days of Our True Blood: Season 5, Episode 1

  1. How much you want to bet that they give all the stupid and cheesy lines this year to Eric so it makes Beehl look great? They want us not to like Eric. I say to Alan Ballsack ……It’s not going to work. We love Eric. We are never gong to love Beehl. You could make him shit gold bricks and mail them to all of us and we still will not like Beehl

  2. I was pissed for weeks after last season. The utter fiasco that was season four, taught me a very valuable lesson, so I went into the new season with Zero expectations. I have to tell you when you go in with none it’s not so bad. We all just have to realize Ball and company are going to do all they can to get Sookie, the lap dog , to go running back to Beehl. We know in our heart of hearts that they will be back together. You do know that Beehl can’t wait to tell Sookie that Eric has moved on. I just hope they give us barf bag warnings before hand. The only thing that will piss me off this season is them not showing us Askars ass. I know that might be childish of me to say but i.DON’T. CARE. anymore. I will watch just to see it. It is all I have left in me to care about.
    As for the other stupid plot lines not interested in those either.
    I will be lifting my Margarita glass every Sunday night and yelling at mt television to BRING ON THAT ASS!

    • Oh, honey, I would love to join you with that margarita. I can’t yet, but soon…so soon. In the meantime, have another for me. That might be the only way we’ll get through this season: beer (or margarita) goggles. It will certainly make things WAY more interesting. I’m usually a happy drunk and I find everything hilarious, so I like your solution best of all.

      Totally agree that Sookie will and Bill will get back together at some point. Actually, in one of the trailers, we see the whole gang (Eric, Bill, Pam, Sookie) walking purposefully towards some unknown danger, so these seemingly separate story lines will intercept at some point. In the meantime, naked ASkars it is!

      Something you said made me think of a recent status update on Charlaine Harris’ FB. She said: “Some viewers and readers confuse the events on the show with the events in the books. Godric was not Eric’s maker in the books. In fact, I’m not sure Eric even knew Godric personally. I do not write the show, and I do not vet the scripts for the show; the writers are tremendously inventive and don’t need my help. I stick to writing the books . . . which is what I need to get back to doing right now.”


    • Hell yeah!! Bring on that “beautiful butt”!!!! You’re right though about AB getting Beehl and Sookeh back together. I don’t understand why he has such a hard on for those two – but clearly he does. ASkars really is the only reason to watch at this point, so the more often he’s naked (or even shirtless) the better!!

      Just, PLEASE GOD, NO more naked Andy Bellefleur. I thought I would have to bleach my eyes after that scene.

  3. Where do I start?…. This episode was just a disaster from start to finish. It drives me INSANE that Ball can’t even stick to his own canon, much less the books’ canon.

    For four seasons Eric has DETESTED Bill and has been trying to get Sookie to be “his”. He didn’t give up when she told him she’d rather have cancer. He didn’t give up when she told him to “fuck off you dead piece of shit!”, he didn’t give up when she disappeared for a year (or indefinitely as far as he knew). Then she fell in love with him and they actually slept together; he realized he loved her, and they completed the first level of a bond. He was willing to sacrifice his life for her on several occasions. Then in a moment of confusion (because Bill has given her his blood AGAIN – and Eric knows damn well that will give her confusing dreams AND she’s JUST been through several very traumatic events), she says (through sobs) that she doesn’t want to be with him (or Bill). THIS is what makes him give up on her????

    Then JUST A FEW HOURS LATER he’s all “eff Sookie”?!? And doesn’t seem to give a shit that there are screams and gunshots coming from her house!?! Then he proceeds to go on a screwfest with Nora (a truly cringeworthy scene that even ASkars’ SPECTACULAR butt couldn’t save) -I mean wtf?? Not only that, but he’s spouting off crap like “I’d do anything for you” while gazing adoringly at Nora. Ugh. And THEN, he’s going to just abandon Sookie (and apparently Pam) to Russell, while he RUNS??? He’s a thousand year old VIKING for goodness’ sake. When has he EVER run from a fight? Is he supposed to be under another spell? Has he had a personality transplant? Did Bill glamour him into being a wuss?

    And don’t even get me started on the whole “I won’t leave you” crap with Bill? Are you kidding me?

    And, then, on the theme of “thousand year old Viking” – he hears the authority take Bill at the front of the mansion, so he just runs out the FRONT DOOR? Again – WTF?!!? If he were THAT stupid he would never have survived 100 years, much less a thousand.

    And the rest. Well, the rest was just a waste of space. Except Pam’s comment about wearing a “Walmart sweat suit”, which was frigging hysterical. It’s turned into a pathetic soap opera with no sense of consistency. Ball just completely changes people’s personalities at the drop of a hat to suit his warped storylines. Just so he ‘shock’ people with the next twist. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if there was no rhyme or reason to the whole “has Pam been a maker before or not” debate. That would take too much effort and Ball doesn’t give a crap for any sort of cohesion to his story.

    Okay. Whew. I think that’s it. Glad to get that off my chest. Thanks for giving me a place to rant!

    • I agree that Ike, I mean Eric, is acting like a petulant teenager when it comes to Sookie, and like a show off to Bill. Why, oh why, is he telling Bill things that he admits he hasn’t even told Pam. That’s another big wtf moment. Now he trusts Bill more than Pam? Really?! The scene with Nora…you’re right on the money. I wasn’t sure if I got hot because of how mad I was or because I just love seeing naked Askars. Come on! I understand feeling jilted, but to take it so personally? The writers must have confused Eric with Jason. The latter seemed remarkably mature during the episode.

  4. Seems like Alcide can handle silver chains now. Since when can werewolves touch silver? I hated the part when he asked Sookie to go live with him because she needed protection.
    Tara is never gonna leave now that she’s a vampire.
    Eric said It was time for Pam to be a maker. But last night she said she was a maker. I’m confused. Did I miss something? If Pam is pissed off now at Eric and Sookie, what is she going to be like when she finds out about Nora?
    Rene had told Arlene that Something is up with Terry. (last year). Hmm I wonder what’s up with that. Arlene believe or not seemed kinda normal last night.
    Hoyt is being a big baby.
    I’ll still be watching. I didn’t get my hopes up. It’s not the books.

    • Oh, I thought werewolves couldn’t take silver bullets but actually touching silver was ok. Then again that’s how it is in the books and I can’t recall if they changed it for TB.

      About Pam being a maker, there were two dialogues between her and Eric, and I can’t remember which seasons, let alone which episodes exactly… The first time she or Eric mentioned something about her turning another, but I can’t remember the exact context. Then, during the second conversation, Eric is facing his mortality (I think Russell was after him?) and he tells Pam she ought to be a maker. That’s when the head-scratching started. Many of us thought the writers had messed up…not a big surprise there. But now I’m thinking that Pam had a problem with her first conversion and ended up having to either abandon her child, or, more likely, killing him/her.

      At least now we know who is taking over Bubba’s position as the dim-witted vampire, because it seems that Tara will not turn out to be the sharpest vampire in the shed.

      • Not too sure about TB’s canon regarding werewolves touching silver (think when Bill was kidnapped by the “Fuck You Crew” that the wolf who abducted him used silver but was wearing motorcycle gloves- so I’ve never seen a wolf nakedly touch silver before in the show) but i recall in the books that they can touch it while in human form but not in animal form- same rule applies to the shifters so maybe they’re sticking with the books on that front- though TB really breaks all the rules, especially with their own canon. One thing I have always hated about AB is his complete character assasinations of ppl who are totally decent in the books, for example Calvin Norris, its like he wants to put the message out that all working class southerners are low life, inbred rednecks- which im sure happens just not on the scale that he tries to portray. I didnt think the episode was that bad, not compared to the fuck up that was season 4 (but I suppose it had to happen to to bring the storyline & characters to where they are) but then I’ve been hanging out for 9mnths waiting to see what became of Tara (which was pretty predictable, I was hoping theyd surprise me with something else but could be fun with Pam as her maker). Best of luck with your pregnancy- i love your writing, been hanging out for the nxt chappie of “Nothing” almost as bad as I was with TB, but I know when you finally have some time for it, that you will not dissapoint

  5. I did think that Bill and Eric got rather chummy quickly. I was all in favor of a “bromance” but thought that it came out of no where…why does Eric all of the sudden give a flying fuck about Bill? I did think the clean up scene was cute, though.

    I’m not in favor of Tara as a vampire storyline at all, so the Pam thing I didn’t like. I don’t like Pam being SUCH A BITCH. She feels like a caricature at this point. I really want them to give her more depth and substance.

    One thing that definitely didn’t disappoint me was looking at Alexander Skarsgård. But I thought the “we fight like siblings and fuck like champions” line was cheesy.

    I loved McMillz as Steve Newlin the vampire and find Deborah Ann Woll mesmermizing.

    I thought Anna Paquin was great in this episode too–and I’m not always a fan of her portrayal of Sookie. But I thought both the writing of the scene where she talks about wanting to kill Debbie and the delivery of the lines were both good.

    • I think the Pam issue will be resolved (I’m hoping so, anyway) when they show how she became a vampire during the next episode.

      The fact that both Eric and Nora kept referring to each other as brother and sister WHILE they were having sex was a bit of an overkill. We get it, they’re related through Godric, not through real blood, but the words imply incest and that’s enough of that, please! The writers were going for shock value, and all they ended up doing was ruining the dialogue… like there needs to be any during a sex scene. Shut up!

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